Yay - I have a new winter make-over!!!

Hi All,

Do you like my new blog background??? Don't worry Bagpuss will be back in the Spring/Summer :-) I want to say a huge huge thank you to Louise she has done this wonderful background for me for the Autumn/winter months. I love it!!!! All of Louise's designs are fabulous and she offers free blog make-overs for those people writing as a form of therapy (for example after a bereavement) or for those writing about living with a chronic or life - limiting illness. She is a very generous person and someone who gives so much to people. I am very glad that i have had the privilege of not just one but two of her fabulous makeovers. There are just not enough words to say how grateful I am to Louise for keeping my blog new and interesting and also relevant to my interests and personality. Please if you are reading this and have not visited Louise's blog then click here to visit it and look at her wonderful designs.That link is for the write from the heart blog that Louise does but her other blog which is updated more frequently at the moment is adori graphics which is on this link - click here.

In other news....

I am OK - i am very sorry that i have not posted much just recently I vow to change this and keep my blog more up-to-date with things that are happening. Recently I have been struck with several really nasty abdominal abscesses which have required the torturous incision and drainage by my GP. She is a lovely lady however when she was squeezing the life out of my poor poor tummy to get rid of these nasty abscesses it was hard to think kindly of her lol!!! I am slowly starting to heal on the tummy front, after several courses of strong antibiotics and several incision and drainage episodes we are getting on top of these small pockets of infection - which are of course caused by the evil anti-emetics i have to use to control my nausea and vomiting. My GP was witness to my minor breakdown over it all last week too. When i went to see her after another large abscess had developed - i burst into tears as the whole situation finally got on top of me. I was so fed up of having to use the anti-emetics via this route and ending up with the problems as a side effect of it and told her that i just couldn't take it anymore. The upshot of my breakdown is that we are trying any anti-emetic now each one on a trial period to see if any others suite. I have already tried 5 of the most commonly used ones and none have been effective. We are now trying more expensive ones and hopefully we will find one that works in tablet form as opposed to injections. Till we find one that does work effectively i am still using the injections though we have managed to get the use of a syringe driver pump to use so that it may be less abrasive than the bolus injections were and so far *touches wood* it has been OK for a week or so this way.

I have just been to the emergency dentist though today. It hurt soooooooooo much!!! I started with a rather nasty oral abscess in the small hours of Saturday morning, i called the on call dentist and got an appointment for today. He drilled the tooth and drained each of the 3 root canals of abscess (all without anaesthetic as i am allergic to the anaesthetic when it is in rubber stoppered bottles) :( needless to say my mouth is feeling really really delicate now and has not yet stopped throbbing despite the use of a lot of clove oil and painkillers. I am now to take some antibiotics for the infection in my tooth as well as finishing the course for the tummy infections - i really do rattle now as i walk lol!!!!

On other news I am doing OK. The whole tribunal thing is over which is a great relief and feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like i can get myself well in my own time now and make sure i am totally better before rushing into returning to work. I hope that sometime soon i will be able to return to my career as i do love it - but i am no longer feeling pressured into returning whilst i am still rather poorly. I have got involved in some work with my local primary school. I am very excited as it is a little voluntary activity that i can do when i am well and something to give me a sense of purpose again. I will be playing some nursery rhymes and Christmas carols on the piano for the local nursery/primary school pupils to sing along to. I am very excited. I am also involved in making cakes and biscuits etc for them to help them raise money for various projects that they are involved in and am a member of the PTA there. It has become a little hobby alongside my making children's birthday cakes etc. My latest cake was for my carers little boy's birthday and i made a chuggington cake (a round cake with the three trains on the top!!) I was very proud of it and promise to upload pictures as soon as i work out how too!!!

Anyways I am going now but will post again soon. Please do check out Louise's blog if you haven't already and check out her wonderful blog designs. She really is great and although she is a very busy lady is always willing to help others out - a very inspiring, caring friend, i am very glad to have been introduced to her!!! Thanks Louise your a true friend and a real blessing.

Take care all
lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

Tribunal Update!

Hi All,

I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers over the last few months and especially the last few weeks. I have finally got a result from my battle with my ex employer and wanted to let you all know that they settled out of court. This is such a relief as I was getting very stressed out about it - im very glad in a way that it didnt get to court as i would have had to represent myself. I will write more soon i promise but i just wanted to say thankyou to you all,

lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

I got an award Yay!!! :-)

Hi All.

Thank you Joey for this award. It translates as 'This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY-nearness in space, time and relationships.' Joey's blog is not only honest and informative - it also shows how just because you have a life limiting/life threatening illness your life doesn't just stop. You don't have to sit and waste away in front of the TV - you can take control, fight back against all the odds and LIVE!!! Please click here to see Joey's blog - Living with BA.

Though I am still relatively new to this blogging malarkey I have gained some very important and fabulous friends through my writing. It can be hard at times knowing that anyone could read your blog and comment on it and there is always the thought that people could be very negative against things you do post. I have always tried to approach my writing with total honesty and written about things that happen as and when they do - through this people have been very kind and throughout the last eleven months or so of blogging several people have kept me going. Through the good times and the really bad times - leaving messages of encouragement and support and also get well soon messages when I have been really poorly in hospital. My blog is my space to vent and purge all the stuff that's going on - to share my thoughts and feelings with those who read and also to try and inform other people with brittle asthma (if they do read it) that just because you have this diagnosis doesn't mean that you cant do anything and your life is over - it just means that you may have to change your dreams or goals, but most importantly you can still do things - have a social life and have relationships and work (albeit maybe not full time etc ), You may have to take things slower than others or rest more than others - but you can still live!!!

The people I have chosen to give this award to are very special to me, they are either people who have become great friends that I have spoken to over the phone (joey) or people who have become great friends in person (KSD, Wheezy tux) or people that i have never met but i have a connection with via the blogging network - these friends are no less important to me - just because there may be oceans between us doesn't mean their friendships are less important to me. (Odette - you are fab - you show me support when i am feeling rubbish and give me so much encouragement, i value your friendship as much as the friendships I have with my friends from school and college who i still meet up with regularly - I only wish that you were closer so that we could meet in person!)

So ........ After that long waffle I would like to give this award to several people who are both important and valuable to me, these are: -

Joey - from living with BA (I know you already have this award - but i felt i needed to say that i value your brutal honesty and informative posts - please don't take to heart hurtful comments from anonymous posters - they do not know you as a person etc - keep posting :-) we all love you!!

Odette from A view from above - you have shown me such friendship over the last 11 months i have been writing my blog. You show me that it doesn't matter how far away someone is they can still be great friends and I love reading your blog as its honest and gritty - dealing with sooooo many different issues. I love the informative nature as well as the more personal aspects of it. Keep it up hon. :-)

Wheezy tux - You are a real friend - I love our chats and our random giggles at 'the vest' lol!!! Your blog is inspiring. You have faced difficulties but you have got through every little thing that life with Brittle asthma throws at you with courage and determination. I know that your main dream was to be more actively involved with sports and i understand what it is like when your dreams are crushed, you handled this with such courage and even though life beat you down you rose up against it and ploughed yourself into another uni course to realise a new dream. You will make a fantastic nurse and i am confident that you will battle against everything that opposes you from realising this dream. I wish you all the love and success i can and i know you can do it hon - YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

Jess - from She's not contagious ...... really. I find it both heart breaking and heart warming reading your blog. Your family have faced so many hurdles and difficulties yet you face each thing with sheer bravery and determination. I find it inspiring and heart warming to read about your beautiful family and in particular your beautiful little girl Alana. She is the bravest little girl i know. I love hearing about the good times, and although it is often heartbreaking to read about those difficult times - i feel privileged that you have let me in some way be a part of your private family struggles. I pray for you all and I hope that they soon reach a diagnosis for your beautiful little angel. You truly are a very inspiring and brave lady and really do deserve this award. Gos bless you!!! :-)

KSD - from Stuck at the wrong end of the stethoscope. - KSD - you too are a fab mate. I appreciated all the visits and phone calls when I was in the hospital. You were great - and even when you were poorly you still stayed - i will never forget that. I am so sorry that you are having such a rubbish time at the moment and i promise as soon as all the dramas of court are over i will visit you more frequently. Your blog is also inspirational and honest, It also shows that no matter what life throws at you - it is possible to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on. You will get back to medicine again i believe in you hon, you just need to get yourself right and keep plodding on. I know that you too try and do as much as you can and live life to the fullest and its that that i find so great. A lot of people who i had met before you just accept they cant do anything and don't try - sitting in front of the TV and doing nothing with their lives. I met you, Roxy and wheezy tux and realise that this didn't need to be the way. Just because you have this rubbish illness doesn't mean that on the OK and good days you cant get out there and do stuff. Thank you for being such a fab friend.

Louise - from - write from the heart - You have been fabulous I am so grateful for my blog makeover. I think you are a great person in what you do by providing blog makeovers for people who write about living with long term chronic or life limiting conditions and those who write post bereavement - you do this all for free and are such a generous person dedicating your time and energy to people in this situation and giving them a unique blog that portrays their individuality and personalities. You are a great friend and I think that there are not enough people in this world like you. You are truly selfless in your actions and as i said above you are so dedicated in giving people a unique space to express themselves. I will always be grateful to you for giving me this great unique space that does depict my personality and my quirks :) You deserve so much more than this award - but it is a little gift from me to you to try and show you my love and appreciation for everything that you have done for me and others in the same or similar position to me. Xxx

These people have inspired me and help me continue to be positive and upbeat even in the bad times. I am a better person for having you guys in my life - thank you!!! :-)




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Onto other bits and bobs......
Its my tribunal case next Monday through to Wednesday. I was feeling fairly confident though slightly nervous till yesterday. My solicitor informed me that because i was going through legal aid - they do not provide me with a solicitor or back up in court. Soooooo, basically this means that i have to represent myself. This is because legal aid will not provide you with help in employment tribunal cases. This would not normally be a problem, however, as most of you who have been following for a while will know - my manager bullied me for almost 5 years. I will now have to present my case in front of the tribunal and answer questions from a cross examination from my manager - he will be backed up by solicitors and barristers so as you would think i am feeling like i am automatically at a disadvantage. The only positive in all this is that if i am representing myself then my ex-boss may be his normal bullying self in front of the court towards me and will show himself to be the bully that he was/is. Anyways i now have just 5 days to get a law degree lol!!! Phhheeefffff - anyone else think that's a bit of a headache lol!!


Soooooo - the next few days i am hitting the books trying to familiarise myself with what will ultimately take place next week. I hope for a positive outcome from this tribunal, i have already achieved something - i have inside info that my ex manager is distinctly rattled so i guess that's something- and even if i don't win this will have set the trust back a few quid so i suppose that may deter them from making the same mistake again and stop them treating someone else as badly as they did with me - at least this is my hope. As i have said in previous posts - it isn't about compensation or money etc - it has always been about the principle of what they did and how they did it. If all i get out of it all is an apology and a good reference i will be happy. Anyways please please - if you do pray it doesn't matter what religion or God you pray to - please say a few for me next week. It is going to be very tough facing the man who bullied me for almost 5 years and i pray that justice will prevail.


Thank you all for reading what has turned out to be a really mammoth post - i am sorry i have waffled. Will keep you posted on the tribunal and its outcome etc as and when things happen.

Lotsa lv to you all Rattles Xxxx

weddings and new pets

Hi all,

Hope you are all well. Since i last posted i have been in hospital a few times with the odd chest grumblings and asthma grumpyness!!

Im much better now thankfully! Still got a bit of residual asthma grumpyness but i am all ok.

I went to my brothers wedding last weekend. It was beautiful. Every bit of it was fantastic. He had recorded some songs for my sister-in-law! It was very romantic! :-)

My nephew is getting bigger too. He is 8 months old now and is starting to crawl and is into everything! He is a real star love him soooo much! Just wish i saw more of him.

I also as of friday own a dragon! A bearded dragon to be more precise :-) he is my new pet. He is gorgeous and very friendly. He is only a hatchling at the moment so he is very tiny. I know he will grow much bigger and cannot wait to see what colours he'll be when he is fully grown. I am of course also guessing that he is a male as it is far to early to sex him so he may well turn out to be a she yet!! :-)

The only problem with my new pet is the feeding. Oh yes- i have to feed him live crickets! For someone who really hates anything that creeps and crawls this is a small challenge but one that my beautiful dragon is well worth! Feeding time is full of laughs i can tell you all that-as on onlooker i must look hallarious as i chuck the insects into the vivarium and quickly shut the glass doors lol!! :-) hahaha!!

I hope that you are all well etc. I promise that now i am out of hospital i will try and be better at blogging!

Will post again soon. Take care all of you. Lotsa lv rattles Xxxx

Cellulitis and twitchy Doctors!!

Hi All,

I am still in hospital though I am much better than I was I am now just very very frustrated with everything that's been happening - really irritated by my stroppy lungs and also from idiotic comments made by some stupid doctors who haven't even examined me nor looked at my results saying what is or isn't wrong!! Grrrr!! Guess its all part and parcel of BA in general that a large proportion of people = doctors included just don't get it and think of it very much as a blue inhaler illness - take a blue puffer and your fine attitude - its this exact attitude that frustrates and isolates me - i feel i cant fully explain it to people mainly because if i spell it out it impacts on me how serious it can be at times even more and also i feel that the part of those people who think its only a blue inhaler illness are always going to be ignorant to how it can and does impact on most if not all aspects of your day to day life!!


I obviously explained in an earlier post that I had a very severe cellulitis infection in my foot - it was awful - thankfully it has recovered rather nicely whilst i have been in the hospital. Early last week however i was getting a little more wheezy than normal and it coincided with swapping my antibiotics to orals from IV ones (Mainly due to my poor venous access - which is definitely the next thing that seriously needs addressing - sooner rather than later and if not with my normal consultant then with someone else as it is not great struggling for breathe when every doctor around you cant help anyway as they cant get any veins to put needles into!!)

Anyways - it was decided that we would reduce my oxygen from 4 litres as it had been from my admission down to 2 litres and see how i did after a while. The nurses came back after an hour at the new 2 litres - I wasn't feeling great to be honest but i have been worse before so i wasn't overly worried! The doctors did an arterial blood gas and then came straight back - most of you will know if you have an ABG done and the doctor runs straight back and puts you on a non-rebreathe mask at 15 litres your gas was pretty rubbish!! It was rubbish! low oxygen levels and acidotic with high carbon dioxide levels - they called the ICU doctors to review me!

I was on 30 min observations all night and they started me on almost back to back nebulisers and then started an aminophylinne drip and magnesium infusion. By about 4 am my gases were looking a little better and i was feeling a little better too tho the doctors still wanted to keep an eye on me in the ICU - i wanted to stop on the ward so they agreed to let me stay there on very regular observations with the provision that should anything at all change i went up to the ICU. OK!

By the morning I was still feeling rather groggy and a doctor came into see me who was just ridiculous - took an ABG came back and spoke to the ICU doctor who came and told me he felt i was getting a little worn out and suggested i let them try BiPAP on the ICU, I wanted to see if things improved over a bit more time etc as i was feeling better just not masses better! The other doctor then came back in and was blatantly vile - I have spoken to the ICU consultant about him and complained and I am considering complaining to PALS as well as i did not need his attitude and frustrations taken out on me - which is what he did - he ended up leaving late apparently - that wasn't my fault for being unwell - maybe next time i should try and get my stroppy lungs top wait till a reasonable time!! lol!!!

So that was an experience one i would rather never repeat and yet another experience here which makes me distrust the team here! I'm not sure as yet what i would like to do about it - it cant keep going like this with people who don't even examine me making decisions on my treatment protocol and advising over the phone without actually seeing things for themselves - its crazy and dangerous as I am a little concerned that one day they are gonna misread the seriousness of a situation and it could endanger my life or which is equally possible rush into intubating without trying less invasive methods like bipap first just because I have been ventilated before. I'm not sure whether or not to move my care to another hospital which is actually closer to my house and unconnected to the one i currently use or not! If I did this it may cause some conflict in the short term which i hate the thought of as i hate confrontation I'm just loosing my confidence in my consultant and i am fed up of feeling poorly and getting told there is nothing he can do! it gets me down i used to be able to do stuff hold down a full time job and still have plenty of energy and puff to go out in the evenings and study etc - i cant do half of what i used to before now i get too breathless and I've got so much more wheezy than i used to be. Everything is a huge effort and i just don't have the energy i had a few years ago!! I want to do stuff i just cant do it - i also find that whereas a few years ago my best mate Becca only ever commented my lips looked a bit blue when i had a bad chest infection - its happening more and more frequently with things like just walking up or down the stairs - this cant be normal - i cant just sit back and accept that this is it and nothing can be done - there must be something that can be done!!!

I also have the small dilemma as to whether or not i eventually bite the bullet and move back near my parents. If i did that it would automatically mean i would be under the care of some other consultant and solve half my problem but i would be in a town i don't really wanna live in!! I would be closer to my nephew and my whole extended family - even tho my close friends would be further away!!! I don't know what to do! I'm finding myself getting very moody and inpatient with everything and everyone at the moment too I'm terrible!!! I think its just all my frustrations at the situation etc that and the pred being high dose again!! I'm just so flipping snappy i cant help it!!!

Need to try and stay calmer though sometimes as i hate confrontation and me getting cross at everything and anything just breads this negativity and confrontational atmosphere which is soooooo destructive - I hate drugs|!!! they do horrid things as side effects even if they may be helping the asthma a little bit under the surface!!

Mmmmmm - anyways i am so sorry i have been rubbish - there has been so much going on at the moment - i really appreciate your patience thanks all of you. I have had some rubbishy weeks just recently which have knocked my confidence a lot - the last couple of attacks have really scared me a lot and this shocked me - more shocking was the fact that my consultant didn't really see why this freaked me out!! I'm just not sure I can talk to him about how I'm feeling anymore.

I am gonna sign off now i am just listening to some music on my laptop and i think i am going to try and be a little more sociable so may log onto msn and chat to some mates on there for a while!! :) I will hopefully get to escape tomorrow if i can manage without the oxygen tonight etc or early tomorrow at a push! I have been managing for little periods of today without it but not for longer than 20 Min's or so at any one point! this is as i am on just 2 litres i have been taking the oxygen off to have my nebulisers etc its been giving me a break from wearing the mask!!!

I am reading all of my reading list blogs peeps so i promise i will soon start commenting again - I'm getting there its just taking time - getting back to it etc!!

Thank you all for your patience and for reading what must have been the most rambly of all my entries lol!!! for that i can only say - sorry ..... and Thanks your all great!!

Lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

Cellulitis!!!

Hi everyone,

Joey - Im glad you are all moved in now and settled in your new home - its great that you have the space to use your chair!! Hope that things are settled properly now for you all and you didnt suffer for all the hard work of moving - i will catch up on everyones blogs soon - It has been a bit rubbish this end but some bits have been great too!!

Odette and Louise all i can say is again i am so sorry that i have been rubbish at blogging recently! For parts of this recent absence from the blogging world i have been feeling a bit run down and not myself and at other times - i dont have any excuse except that i have been visiting some friends around my end of the country and also visiting my familt where i celebrated my pretend birthday (and got to celebrate with my mum and dad!!!)

I wanted to give you a very well overdue update!!!

Sooooo, last week i drove around 580 miles across my surroundings in yorkshire visiting various good friends of mine - some in hospital others at home!!! unfortunatly by Sunday i was yet again shattered!!! I had a restful day on sunday - but thought nothing really about my left foot aching!! It gradually got more uncomfortable as the day and evening went on but there didnt look to be anything wrong with it so of course i just put it down to pushing myself too hard and tried (and failed) to get an early night!!

On Monday morning S came to get me up etc and i went to move my foot and got a sudden pain. I pulled the covers back to see that my left foot was twice the size of my right foot and was bright red (it was also red hot to touch!!) S was gonna leave me in bed but I wanted to have a shower so I hobbled to the bathroom. Walking was incredibly painful!! I called the GP and requested a home visit as there is no way i would have managed to put weight on it much!! I managed to organise my prescriptions to get picked up by the pharmacy and get my new medicines and all my regular ones delivered for the next day. My GP came round at lunchtime, she came in when i shouted for her too come in :) Dr W took one look at my foot and asked how long it had been like that etc - given the fact that i have had 6 courses of antibiotics for the phlebitis in this foot and only just finished a course she was slightly concerned it had now turned into cellulitis!! I was given a script for two lots of strong anibiotics which she insisted i had 3 doses of that day so my neighbour went to the pharmacy for me then brought them and some shopping home for me :)!! My GP had said that i should see an improvement within the next 24 hours and that if it was not improving the next day to contact the surgery or go to A and E.

Tuesday rocked up and no - it wasn't any better but i hadnt slept properly as it had kept me up all night so i decided to get a lie in catch up on some sleep - keeping it raised all day and see how it was today!!

This morning came round too quickly too!! R came this am to get me up and i couldnt stand my foot was now three times the size of the other one and incredibly sore to put on the floor!! Anytime that i put my foot off the bed in a sitting position it throbbed!! I kept it raised again!! by lunchtime - despite the fact my bedroom window was open and my fan was on full the sweat was dripping from me. My skin was clammy and i felt really nauseous, which then proceeded to full blown vomitting!! I took my temperature 41.4 (rather high!!) I then took some paracetamol and some antiemetic (cyclizine via sub cutaneous injection- stings like hell - but works quickly!!) I then called the surgery! The duty doctor called me back an hour later (lunchtime ish!!) and told me he would call in and see me between 4 and 6pm!!

It took me an hour to get dressed and a further 25 mins to get down the stairs. By which time my brother, his fiance and my nephew arrived outside my house stopping for a quick pit stop on their way back to my parents house from J's parents house!! They had brought a mate with them too :) I had a brief chance to cuddle my nephew and had just started to feed him a bottle when the GP rocked up outside!!

The crowd in my living room dispersed into the kitchen/utility room and let the doctor in on their way through!! He wanted me to go into hospital for IV antibiotics (I know it was stupid now - i know that but at the time it seemed like the best thing, really!!) I told him i didnt want to be admitted!! He outlined the risks of leaving things as they are etc - i outlined the fact that i am very susceptible to infections and usually come out with worse than i go in with etc!!! After he had reviewed my notes - he agreed to a plan of action. I could stay home this evening on the provision that if the foot is the same tomorrow i will go in to hospital for the IV's!! I was going to see if I could push it to friday but as the paracetamol is wearing off and i can feel my temperature rising again, i think i will probably see sense and go in tomorrow afternoon! :( I was hoping to be able to get S to clean for me on thursday afternoon but im not sure i will be able to do it all!! I will see tomorrow - i am still secretly hoping that the rubbish oral antibiotics i have been taking for almost a week to kick in and knock this infection into the ether!!!

sooooooo - sorry its a bit of a rambly post!! I will be going into hospital tomorrow or friday then for a few days to a week of antibiotics on my poorly foot!! (unless the oral antibiotics are slow starters and miraculously cure this over night!!!) least this way i will be able to pack a couple of sets of PJ's and some clothes too!!
Im hoping to take the laptop in with me so will hopefully still have contact with the net world whilst i am in there!! if no laptop i will still have my mobile so i will have a form of internet but albeit a rather slower connection!!

KSD and wheezy tux are currently not very well WT just out of hospital and KSD still in so you guys i am sending you both big hugs (((((hugs))))) and loadsa lv!!

I hope that everyone else is ok! take care everyone
lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

Busy week and wheezy weekends

Hi All,

Hope you are all well, Joey - how was the house move?? Hope that it all went well and that you managed it without upsetting the apple cart too much (so to speak!!) I am on my way to my parents in a few hours time - its nice not to have to spend 12 hours on the coach anymore - that journey was just awful!!! Now I have Percy it means I am able to have a restful day and then set off once the traffic has died down after tea!!

It will take me around 2 hours to get back to my mum and dad's house!!! Since I got Percy, I have visited several friends. I went to see a good friend in hospital in Burton and another great friend in Grantham (three times!!) and I also visited two friends in Leicester for the first time - they were fabulous and I had a really lovely afternoon last thursday. The down side however of all this travelling round the country is that it seems to have rather upset the old lungs a bit!! They have been rather grumpy the last 5 or 6 days. Over the weekend it started with just getting breathless really easily, and gradually escalated to a rather irritating wheeze and tight chestedness over the last few days. Needless to say that I havent been sleeping that well since about monday really!! Last night was the worst and I literally didnt sleep a wink all evening. The most soul destroying thing was just starting to nod off through sheer exhaustion as S came to wake me this morning!!

S looked really concerned this morning when she realised that the whilstling was my chest wheezing. She kept asking me if I was OK, I felt shocking but I didnt want to worry her so kept saying I was fine. I had a few nebulisers in the hour and a half she was here this morning.They settled things a little bit and made my chest feel less tight and uncomfortable but didnt totally resolve the wheeze. I havent done much at all today and I have taken things really really slowly as I really dont want to end up back in hospital. I received a phone call from social services this morning as S was leaving - It was about the fitting of my hand rails - they wanted to arrange a time to come and fit them, and arranged to come at about lunchtime. They are now fitted - an extra one on my stairs and one on the outside of my house as I do struggle with the steps, particularly when I'm not feeling well! I also had a visit from some rather lovely firemen :) They asked if I wanted some free smoke detectors fitting - Of course!!!! They fitted them about an hour ago and so all that was left for me to do was to plonk a microwavable meal in and then eat and pack for my trip home to my parents.

Im all packed finally and as always recently got distracted by flippin facebook and the game farmville - blimey - that is sooooooooo addictive!!! I have just got to sort out my medications for my trip the next few days and then load up Percy!!! Then Im on the road!!

Im still rather chesty and I fear I may be getting another chest infection as my chest is rather mucusy and grotty!!! Im just hoping that my parents dog doesnt set the old allergy off too much as I do generally come back from my parents poorly as I am very allergic to their dog - I have dosed up on anti histamines and I am hoping that I can avoid kicking the old asthma off whilst I am there - I have also dosed up on the old vitamin C in the hope that if I am coming down with a chest infection I can kick that into touch quickly too!!!

I have had several conversations with my solicitor about my tribunal case too. Its all going OK though I am convinced that my ex employers are trying to stitch me up on several points - My solicitor thankfully is very very good and has been my rock through all of this - I will keep you all posted as and when things happen with the tribunal stuff!!

Anyways - I am going to have to sort out my meds and finish the last few bits of packing so that I can set off on my jollies!!!

Speak to you all soon
Loadsa lv Rattles Xxxxx

Birthdays!!!

Hi All,

Hope your all well, and are getting on OK - Joey - hope the move is going well and Louise hope your break is going well!!

I had a great birthday in the end!! I was listening to radio 2 whilst I was out and about and caught a fab song called 'when you go' by Judie Tzuke - its fab - all the songs from her were great, see her website - here. I spent an hour with my mum and dad and then drove Percy back home to have a lovely meal with two of my great friends! I also met up with another new friend i haven't seen for a few weeks!!

Yesterday I had my first meeting with the group at my old counseling place! It is a group for fun and confidence building and was great really - i got home quite late though so didn't sleep very well - I'm quite tired tonight now lol!!! Today was an emotional day really after getting up early and stuff I got a call from Dr R - she organised a finishing off session for our work for today, I bought a thank you card and then headed to my appointment. I was fine at the appointment - it was hard not crying as i feel she knows a lot about me and my back story now, its hard when you go to any sort of NHS therapy service as the continuity is just not there - you get used to one person and learn to confide and trust in them and then they leave.. Its beginning to be the story of my life now - my support networks leaving half way through. Its very hard! Its not the Dr's fault as that's just the way the stupid service works with rotations! I feel as though I need to continue with the work we did with someone now whilst i am in this frame of mind as if i delay i don't think i will be able to go through it with someone else as it was hard talking to Dr R - its very hard trusting someone and then talking about personal things!!! I dunno - I'm feeling a bit strange at the moment, really teary for no real reason - I think the enormity of everything that has been happening the last few weeks has finally hit me!!

Anyway- on the tribunal front - we (my solicitor and I) are going to ask my ex employer for reinstatement of post on reduced hours with breaks for meds and nebs through the day - i am not bothered about compensation as it has only ever been about my career and the principle of what they did!!! I will keep you posted on how things progress!

Hopefully catch up with everyone soon!
Lotsa Lv Rattles Xxxx

Percy!!

Hi All,

Again I apologise that I have again neglected you all. Its been a little crazy recently so I thought that I'd update you all and let you all know what I have been up to.

I'm feeling a lot better than I did a few weeks ago but I am on the whole much much better.

After getting home from hospital I had a few days of resting, caught up on my sleep and then felt so much better once I had had a couple of days proper rest - The hospital is not a great place to rest lol!! In fact its the worst place to rest!! I was in the bay right next to the nurses station - its the bay that they put people they need to keep an eye on (I always end up on that bay and it frustrates me everytime!) It is usually filled with the patients who are a certain age and wander - even though they cant wander too well. This admission was no exception!! I shared my little 4 bed bay with several patients during the course of the month -

Several shouters - these are not great room mates as they seem to wait till your fast asleep before randomly shouting stuff out and waking everyone up!!!

The dementia patients - Many different challenges with these whether it be them wandering over to your bed thinking its theirs or routing through your cupboards or just generally being totally confused.

Wanderers - These are the ladies usually >80 years old who are very unsteady on their feet, have a history as long as the Argos catalogue of falls and yet still insist that they need to walk about. This category further divides into those that wander lots during the day but sleep at night - these are not too bad and it is possible to cope with these roomies and then those that wander only at night or both!!The ones that wander at night can sometimes be stopped by locking them into the beds - putting the cot sides down etc etc - however there are a few crafty elderly folks that cannot be stopped even cot sides dont stop them - they manage - somehow to clamber out of the bed and unsteadily wander round - occassionally resulting in another fall which further extends their stay in the hospital and means they stay in the high observation bey for even longer - oh yes - I had one of these wanderers this admission - welll, several really but one in particular!!! grrrrr!!!

To say that whilst I was in the hospital I spent most of my time on high alert as to whether my roomies were gonna stand up wander and do themselves a mischeif is a total understatement. I think the longest I went was 4 days with about 2 hours sleep in the whole time. I felt ill and had a temperature and was taking slow release morphine among other things - Im sure I was seeing things and iI kept talking to nurses etc then when I looked round they weren't there - needless to say I never mentioned that to them for fear they'd think i had gone bonkers too - then that same night I totally crashed out and slept so heavily I forgot where I was and aparrently I became one of the dreaded shouty patients lol!!!

Anyways, During this latest admission I was just generally worn out physically, menatlly and emotionally - I came home just feeling totally exhausted and drained. During the admission my arm got a nasty cellulitis infection which I actually still have and i still have a rather pronounced phlebitis! Some of my cannula marks are still rather sore and I have phlebitis in a couple of them still - I think this is still from one of the nurses who doesn't listen!! One of my favorite nurses on the ward I was on said that when a patient says a drug stings you take a mental note of it but when several patients say the same thing you take notice and try and make it better. Well the really lovely nurse - she could give me cyclizine without it feeling like cyclizine - never ever stung at all!! She was so gentle, diluted it and gave it very very slowly over a minute or so. Other nurses just seemed to be in so much of a rush they didnt listen when you say it stings a lot and injected it sooooo quickly that it felt like they had put red hot acid into your bloodstream - it then burnt its way from cannula to your heart and you felt it all the way round!!! Very very painful!!!

Anyways - I went to eye casualty on wednesday as after my appointment at my GP surgery on the tuesday they saw my wacky pupils - my eyes have been doing some very very odd things recently with one pupil being very much larger than the other - it was checked out at eye casualty and I am all ok so no worries!! Once I had finished at eye casualty - I popped up to the ward and took some chocolates, toffee and a card. They are so lovely on there. The sister in charge bless her didnt recognise me at first in my clothes as oposed to my PJ's :-) I also saw the student nurse who was looking after me when I was there - she is lovely too and I really hope that the rest of her course goes well - she has all the great qualities that a good nurse needs - compassion, care, knowledge and she is a fab listener - also very good at holding your feet down whilst evil doctors canulate your feet but i will forgive her for that lol!!! I had a cup of coffee made by the student nurse - she makes the best coffee :-) I sat and had a little chat to some of the staff on the ward before popping up to the ICU - I didnt go in as its bad enough as a patient up there to be brutily honest - but i wanted to take a card and some chocolates up to them as they have looked after me several times before and I was so grateful to everything that they do and have done for me!

On Tuesday - I went and picked up my new car. I got him on the motability scheme and he is just amazing - i finally have my independence back again which is just fabulous. I have done so much driving round since I got him (He is called percy by the way - hense the title of this post) :-) On wednesday - i popped to see my friend in grantham and had a lovely couple of hours with her then on friday I went to manchester to the trafford centre with a mate from AUK - we had a great time it was funny - she had to push me in a chair though as they didnt have any electric ones grrrr - dont think I would have managed to walk all the way round there its massive I just wouldnt have managed without borrowing a chair from shop mobility! I got home late last night and slept really badly last night.

My carer left me in bed today as I really didnt feel that well - I think I have overdone it a bit the last couple of days!! I have enjoyed just having a rest today though its been really nice and calm!!

Tomorrow is my birthday!! Eeeek!!! Another year older! It is something that has very much snuck up on me this year - I am looking forwads to going for a nice meal with two of my good friends!! We are going to a lovely country pub that i havent been able to get too for a while as i havent had a car!! It will be a lovely day i am sure but i really do miss my family. My family and I are going to celebrate my birthday in a couple of weeks when i get back there!!! Im looking forwards to seeing Harry Potter for my birthday too!!! :-)

Anyways - that brings me up to date again - I am really sorry for my neglect there is just no real excuse i can give except that I have just been trying to recharge my batteries and get myself fit again. Its also been a very odd week getting used to my carers and used to the new routines of things etc etc.

On the tribunal front I received a letter asking me to give dates that i definatly couldnt make a tribunal. I hope to hear exactly when the tribunal will be soon and as always I will keep you posted on this little fight for justice (so to speak!!)


Take care everyone hope you are all well.

Lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

Home sweet home!!

Hi All,

Well, what can I say - its been a bit of a mad month. I cant quite get my head around how poorly I was at times during this admission and can say that a lot of the time I was very frightened which I don't often feel frightened by my asthma after having had it almost all my whole life. A few times its difficult when there are doctors that don't know you and presume that its not asthma and its just hyperventilation or some other disordered breathing etc - I thankfully don't get that very often. I seen to only get that sort of response when my chest is grumbly on and off for a while - like during this admission. It took a while to get things stabilised and then I was OK for a while, then i was poorly again and the cycle just kept repeating - this frustrates doctors as they don't feel that they are getting anywhere and then they start wanting to do other tests to find out what is happening etc etc - monitoring signs of inflammation and flow loops etc etc - but when everything points towards your asthma being a pain they still seem at a loss! What next ????

Well - whats next is that something has to be proven! I'm just glad (in a way - it sounds strange!) That things got rough again as when they did my oxygen levels on my blood gas were only 6 and my carbon dioxide levels were high! The doctors gave me magnesium and aminophyline (the magnesium is a total red herring in it all as by itself it does nothing except make my heart race and give me hot and cold flashes!!) It took a while to get a bed on the ICU about an hour and a half - once up there i was a lot better and felt like a fraud as the theophyline had started to work - next blood gas was millions of times better showing four times more oxygenation in my blood so theophyline is a really important drug for my control. After this finding it was noted that slight dips in therapeutic level of the theophyline resulted in a total lack of symptom control and another flare up- with bad arterial blood gas results!

I finally have the proof that the theophyline really does help tonnes when I'm poorly which is a great breakthrough!! though i do think that whenever i have admissions that are up and down i am gonna have a few problems with doctors thinking its asthma plus something else - the latest one was a kicker - love it - disordered breathing due to panic..... yes ok!!! Test for ya here, for those non-asthmatics out there - Go out for a jog (round the block or something just till your out of breath and your heart is racing enough for you to be able to feel it a bit in your chest- everyone is different so if your really fit this will take longer i know that so sorry if your a marathon runner lol!!!) OK once you stop running breath in normally but out through a straw to get your breath back. A thick milkshake straw (like those you get with take aways) are like more mild asthma symptoms and thin straws are more like the more severe symptoms. OK, So how long did you manage that before you gave up and got your breath back normally? Could you hack that feeling for long?? Did you panic?? if you could only get your breath back that way, how long would it take you to get to a state of panic - whether it be a little or very frightened??

I think that has illustrated my point. If you dont panic i dont think your normal lol!! It is a very natural response to panic a little bit when you cannot get your breath so i dont think some doctors help when they say that during an attack you have disordered breathing due to panic in an asthma attack - id like to see them struggle for several hours and get no sleep for a few days struggling and see how some of them fair after that - but thats just me and my feelings on some - not all but some judgemental doctors who did make things worse at some parts of this admission by stalling on giving life saving drugs - which on some occassions could have prevented an ICU admission if given quicker!!!

Sorry anyway - i went off on a total tangent there!! I am home since yesterday evening - I got home at about 8pm. My carer came this morning to help me shower dress and sort meds out etc and then left me to rest.

Today has been a quiet day of sleep and rest but i did have to get a few things sorted from my GP and chemist so did those this afternoon.

Im going to go to bed in a little while - I promise to catch up on all my blogs on my reading list and catch up on some posts on here in the next couple of days so expect a few posts in the next few days just to catch you all up on what has been happening!!

I hope your all doing ok. Take care and i hope people are all avoiding catching the curly tail and snouts!! please take care especially those of you who have other health conditions!!

Lotsa lv and speak soon Xxxxx

Hospital admission (still ongoing :-( and tribunal update (mmm - will my ex employer ever grow up???)

Hi All,

Well I was hoping to have been writing this from home by now but no such luck I'm afraid. Well, I came in to have my routine operation - the operation itself went fine. The general anaesthetic messed my chest about a little bit so I ended up on the ICU. I was on the ICU from the Wednesday through to the Friday evening where i still wasn't too great to be honest. The nurse on the ward wasn't happy with how i was from the moment she had handover and called the doctors to take a quick peek in on me.

This triggered my early warnings score to be high which increased the observations the nurses did, the more they checked them the worse my score got etc etc and then by midnight I was back under the radar of ICU again. I had a visit from a blogging buddy of mine KSD towards the beginning of the evening when things were very much not at their best and she stayed the night holding my hand and keeping me calm through the evening - even though misses wasn't well herself - Yes misses you know you weren't right (looks at KSD in a judgeful way but also very, very grateful of the company- and very sad you ended up captured post visiting me) :-(

On the Saturday one of the support workers was washing me when I got so breathless and wheezy it stopped in her tracks and she went to check my observations, they were a little low and high in all the wrong areas, so i was told to rest and given a neb! It helped a bit - then the docs were there again (the docs that visit you in PJ's - its never a good start when you see these guys as it never really boads well!!) Thankfully after yet more I'm OK really I'm oak's - they did think I was OK lol!!!

By Tuesday I was starting to wonder if i could keep people fooled much longer that i was OK, i was starting to struggle and really couldn't get why i was struggling so much, everything was pretty much the same except that i was again on oral theophylinne but it hadn't been oral that long and i didn't think It would have made much difference - yes some people had been really heavy handed with their antiperspirant sprays on this bay that am and there were also Lillis which never helps but still didn't feel there was a reason to feel quite so groggy!!!! After struggling most of the afternoon by the small hours of the morning the on call doc and ICU docs had restarted theophylinne infusion as levels were sub therapeutic run a dose of magnesium through and increased the oxygen to full 15 litres used on the wards.... I was then just waiting for a bed on the unit.

I went up to the unit for about 5 am the nurses on the ward had been great bless them and looked after me so well = the student nurse was lovely too sitting with my and holding my hand when i had ABG's (arterial blood gases) done - these are the single most horrendous blood tests ever and they hurt me so much now as i just dont have any access to vein or arteries due to them being so overused in the past. Its a nightmare!! I was on the unit they took blood and found that with the theophylinne in and now working i was able to utilise four times more oxygen - blimey - wonderdrug or what - i always said it had always worked for me and that i had always found it really helped - there was all the proof we needed!!! So after keeping a very close eye on me all of wed i was finally allowed back to my old bed space on the ward i had been on before lol- almost like I had never been away....

I settled back in well and was fine again till the theophylinne went back to an oral dose so we have been playing with dosage ever since and over the last weekend was my most recent blip where infusions and magnesium etc etc were restarted etc etc

It was all a bit soul destroying, when i was told I had a cellulitis infection from a cannula and wasn't to be given anymore venous access as i haven't been able to keep anything down for the entire admission really and have actually been sick on most days (worst being Tuesday evening and all day yesterday. I struggled all day and last night mentioned to a lovely nurse that I didn't think it was worth staying in if i wasn't doing anything that i couldn't do at home - I could still see the docs point and to be honest today i understood it a bit more (Ive got a bit more antibiotic in my system too lol!!


I tried sooo hard just to walk out of the hospital yesterday but didn't get very far at all as without the oxygen i was struggling with my breathing and with out any anti - emetic in me i was throwing up loads (not that there was even anything left to throw up!!) Gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

The nurse was lovely as she let me come back to the ward - hardest bit?? - Accepting that they were actually right lol!! Think part of it was the temperature to be honest as its not something I would ever, ever do - it was just quite simply that i felt i was getting more and more infection into my system and that it was making me really poorly and no one was listening!! I did though realise that even if they do burn and sting like a bug**r an intra muscular cylizine injection was required!!

Anyways saw the docs today on ward round, they looked at my last cannula site and said ouch is it sore?? (Hell yes!!!!) Its bright red and the tracking starts from there the cannula was entered in a vein on my wrist/palm of hand (yes that hurt too - i can categorically say - never ever let them do one there!!!!!!) The doc mentioned nausea (still there - only managed tiny bit of soluble pred that morning not even the hydrocortisone!! and had thrown 3 lots of antibiotics up and not managed any of the anti fungals for the systemic candida!! My usual consultant who is a real susperstar came in to see me today aswell - he knows me better than anyone and also knows what my body can and cannot take sooooo it was great to see him taking charge over my protocol for the other docs to follow!!!

I also menetioned tribunal things - i missed a deadline for the end of june as i was too poorly to contact my solicitor when i was on the ICU, I contacted them last week prior to my laptop coming into the hospital for me :-) ( no more robyou line for me - its DVD's all the way lol!!)

Last week i promised the solicitor that i would email him the specs of my case before the 17th. Again ive been upto the ICU and almost ended up there again since i spoke to him last so i am hoping that the email i have sent him today will help and that if he needs any further information tomorrrow then i will give it to him via phone or email. My employers (ex that is) feel that this further demonstrates that they are caring employers as this is what it was like for them and think that the fact i am prolonging the case by being unwell - in their veiws this shows them im being unreasonable lol - they actually stated in writing that they felt that by delaying it all made them look better as they feel they shouldnt have to accomodate my illnesses anymore hahahahahahaha!!!

Anyways guys I will be getting the laptop out tomorrow at some point to speak so my solicitor so I will write another tribunal update soon as i can and hopefully keep you all posted on how i am gettng on physiotherapy and OT wise!!!

Take care all lotsa Lv
Xxxxxxx

A quick update

Hi All,

Hope everyone is well. I had my operation in the end and the button fitting was a success - the anaesthetic however did affect my asthma and so i ended up in the icu for a few days - i then came to a normal ward where i bounced back to icu once more. Ive been a bit up and down over the last few days and im still on a lot of oxygen but things are moving in the right direction.

I promise to update properly as soon as i have my laptop at hand as at the moment im using my mobile.

Take care everyone and speak soon lotsa lv Xxxx

Pre-Operative assessment

Hi All,

Hope everyone is doing OK!! I had my first visit from my new carer this morning and it went really well. She helped me to get up washed and dressed and helped me get my breakfast etc which was great as ive been really struggling - especially since i am now one - armed!!! The cake worked for my neighbours son by the way - it was a noah's ark cake with edible marzipan animals though the icing was a tad iffy as i had to do it one-armed lol!!! It went down very very well though lol!!! Anyways back to this morning - I then had an assessment from my key carer who did a list of my meds and everything i need help with etc!!

I then rushed to my pre - op assessment and arrived a bit late - to get told off oops!! She did my blood pressure which was fine - i then had my oxygen levels done which were ok at 96% she sent me for bloods as she wanted to see what my theophylinne level and haemoglobin levels were as i have been very anaemic. She also wanted me to have spirometry tests done to see if my lung function was ok and listened to my heart and lungs. Lungs were ok for me and heart was fine. Unfortunatly my spirometry results started off not very good and got gradually worse the more blows i had to do as my chest got more tight! So my final results were an FEV1 of 49%, FVC of 44%, VC of 57% and peak flow of 58%! These are slightly low and I am rather well at the moment so it has sent them a little twitchy on the ward as they dont normally deal with any brittle asthmatics! It also took ages to get blood from me and my almost non-existant veins -thankfully they got enough....eventually!!!I am hoping that it wont stop them getting on with the op tomorrow.

Sooooo, I have to be at the ward for 7am in the morning (which means getting a taxi at 6.15am!!!) i think im going in my PJ's lol!!!! I have to take a suitcase with my overnight stuff in as they will probably keep me overnight if i do have the op tomorrow!!

Anyways i will keep you all posted but hopefully it will all go ahead without any problems tomorrow!

Take care everyone, speak soon,
Lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

Another award to hand out...

I wanted to acknowledge a few people who I feel deserve this little award. I chose these people because they write fantastic blogs which I love to read. Joey (living with brittle asthma) writes a blog which is fab as she faces each day of pain and discomfort and fights it head on. I admire her so much for her strength and determination. I also wanted to give this to BeckyG and Wheezy Tux and Odette who also writes about some pretty intense topics always very balanced and fair. She offers a few of her fellow bloggers like myself support via the wonderful world of cyberspace check her blog out by clicking here!! Also I want to give Jess an award for her blog - shes not contagious ...really, she writes about what life is like living with a poorly child - the ups and Downs and all the bits in between. I think she is amazing. well done all of you!!!




I also wanted to give another award to someone who does a remarkable job. She does blog makeovers for free to people who write as a form of therapy whether it be because of a bereavement or living with a chronic health condition. I gave her a very vague outline of things i like etc and she came up with this design which is fabulous and matches my personality lots!! Also now because there is a credit crunch happening she is offering free makeovers to everyone so check her blog out by clicking here!!

Take care everyone speak soon.
Lotsa Lv Rattles Xxxx

A week of sorting and organising

Hi All,

I hope everyone is well. I started writing this blog back in January as somewhere to air my hopes and dreams and to talk about the things that upset or challenge me. I never imagined that people would read it, or comment on it and that is amazing. I love writing my blog even more now that it has a little bit of my personality stamped on it too. I love my new-look blog!!! :-) Thnk you so much for all your hard work louise!!! (Please see the link to write from the heart -at the bottom of my blog, which links to Louise's blog)

Soooo, This week has been another busy week for appointments. Having at least one everyday!!! My shoulder is still very sore and I was instructed to wear a sling so ive been trying to wear it most of the time and have only been taking it off when its been annoying me and to go to sleep!! I am seeing my GP tomorrow to get the results of my iron studies tests which needed to be done before my operation.

Over the weekend i have to do some cleaning and washing ready for my admission on tuesday. I also have my carers starting on monday which will be great they are coming in for an hour and a half every morning and for an extra 3 hours one afternoon in the week for general cleaning duties. I am a little nervous as i dont know what to expect from them and I am a little bit self concious but I guess it will be OK once i have met them and get to know them.

They are supposed to be phoning to organise coming round to do a risk assessment in the next few days so I expect that will be my first chance to meet them and see what they are like!

I will post again soon, take care everyone

Lotsa Lv Xxxxx

Brittle!!!

Hi All,

I havent posted anything for a few days as its been a rather busy week!! Tuesday I had an appointment which was just touching base with one of my doctors. It went well though I'm still a bit anxious that we're not just cracking on with things that need to bee dealt with but ho hum!!! Then on Wednesday I had a lady from City Wide Alarms round to fit a pendent alarm in my house so that if I get unwell or into any difficulty I can press the button on the pendent and they will access help from a doctor or emergency services as required! On Thursday I had an appointment with my GP in the morning - we discussed what has been happening and my operation etc and she decided that I needed more blood work doing as I am very anaemic and she needs to establish what my Iron stores are like prior to starting me on any course of Iron treatment. It was decided I would go back for more blood tests the following day!!! I went home to wait for a bloke to come from Stayput to fit my key safe outside my house.

The man came at lunch time and fitted the key safe so I now have all the necessary means for the agency carers to come into my house including social workers and emergency services if required - all in all its as an extra safety measure to ensure that if I am poorly the paramedics etc can get access to my house!

During Thursday my chest was a little grumbly - I had been instructed to use my nebuliser every 2 hours so I was doing that and the wheeze was settling each time but I was coughing a lot - I still think Im getting a bug of some kind!! I also think that the anaemia is adding to the problem as i am rather breathless with even the slightest of movements. I was getting rather lightheaded everytime I stood up too. By the early afternoon I was getting a really sharp pain in my right shoulder everytime I took a deep breath! By early evening, everytime I took any breath there was a sharp pain. I was talking to some friends on MSN at the time and decided to get in touch with the out of hours doctor. I called and 5 minutes later they called back. He summoned me to the local hospital for a checkup!

I got there and was quite wheezy so had a nebuliser whilst i was waiting. This made my chest a lot clearer tho the pain still remained and even tiny breaths were hurting. The doctor examined me and listened to my chest, did my oxygen saturations etc. I was told to keep an eye on things, given some painkillers and told to rest and take it easy - if anything got any worse then to call them back on their direct number. I was told I had probably got a hairline fracture of my clavicle as my last bone density result was considerably lower than the one proir to that etc etc... I couldnt lift my arm at all and breathing was still rather painful.

I went home knowing that any problems I could go straight back but was releived that for the first time ever I was able to walk out of the out of hours clinic and go home rather than get admitted!! I didnt sleep well at all as the pain kept me awake all night and I had to take regular nebulisers through the night too!

Up early for blood appointment on Friday - so I went and the poor girl couldnt get anything so called for help. (They never listen when you say - you cant use vacutainers on me it collapses my veins....) This second lady tried with a vacutainer - it collapsed my vein!!! (Surprise there then!!!) Then tried with a needle and syringe and got it - hurrah!!! She was concerned I didnt look very well and requested I see the doctor - which was fine as I did need more morphine anyways. I waited ages for the male doctor on duty that day, when my own GP asked me to see her instead - which was much much better. She agreed it looked like it could be a hairline fracture but told me to be careful over the weekend and if i had any problems at all to call 999 or call out of hours and see them!! She gave me some more oramorph to use and told me to take care and rest it!!

My friend and I went to the big shopping centre and spent my christmas bonus vouchers - I bought some new PJ's (you can never have too many lol!!!) a summer dress, some shorts and a new handbag - and believe it or not still have money left:-)
I got home early evening and went to bed! I was sat with the laptop on msn for a while before i tried to settle for the night! It was another uncomfortable night - my collerbone is swollen and very sore so it was hard to get comfortable - and a bit like toothache sort of takes over everything so that its all you can think about - this pain is the same as its with every breath!!! Grrr!! Im hoping it heals very soon as I need to be fit for my operation in 10 days!!!

I hope everyone else is doing OK. Will post again soon,

Lotsa Lv Xx

The Honesty Award...

I am touched and honored that Odette has given me this award. I admire her a lot as she too writes with a real honesty. The award came with rules.

Here are the rules:
When accepting this award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to said person so everyone knows he or she or they are real.

Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have 7 friends. Show the 7 random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap Award.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. List at least ten honest things about yourself. Then, pass it on!!!

Okies here we go, Ten things?

1. I can write with both hands!

2. I used to love hill walking and rock climbing and did all 3 levels of my Duke of Edinburgh awards and find it very upsetting that I can no longer do these things - I hope one day that my brittle asthma will be controlled enough to do some level of activity I used to do!

3. I play classical music on the piano but only really play stuff by a composer called ludovico einaudi - I hope one day to see him play live as I think he is amazing!!!

4. I loved my job and cant accept the fact that at the moment Im not well enough to do my job!!!

5. I long to have kids one day!!!

6. I am filling my time at the moment with music and cake baking and decorating!!!

7. My recent project is to make a noahs ark cake with edible marzipan animals for the little boy next door's birthday later this month.

8. I once sang on stage with Julie Goodyear (bet lynch from corrie!!)

9. I was asked out by Justin Timberlake before he became famous whilst on a St John Ambulance duty at party on the prom and have a picture of him and the rest of N-Sync and I on the beach :-)

10. I love being on stage and theatre but havent done any since I did a production to raise money for a good friend of mine who died when he was 13!!


And to the 7 people I would nominate for this award too!!!!

1. Odette!! who writes a blog called A view from above, she writes with such honesty and conviction and I always enjoy reading what she has to say!!

2. Joey! from Living With Brittle Asthma - I admire joey sooooo much she really is a true inspiration!!!

3. Jess - She is not contageous....really!!! what an incredible blog! I feel that she has let us get a tiny glimpse of what life is like for her and her family and I trust that soon they will get answers they need from the doctors. I pray for you guys!!! :-)

4. The paramedics diary - I love to catch up with what XF has been up to on his shifts on the streets of London - his blog is witty but caring at the same time which can be a difficult balance!! He deserves more than just this award as he is great!!!

5. Wheezy Tux - a great blog honest and to the point of what it is like when BA stops you doing the things you love to do and how to overcome any difficult - you go girl - you are a true inspiration!!!

6. Becky G - The antics of a brittle asthmatic - again another good friend who is struggling to live with a difficult condition and doing the best she can to make the most of every day!! Your great hon - keep it up!!!!

7. Rusty - Mad Asthmatic - I miss reading her blog and it saddens me that I wont get to read any of her antics! She was a great friend who sadly died in January this year!!

Thankyou for reading this blog guys you are all amazing!!!
I also would like to add that Louise of Write from the heart deserves an award for being the most amazing person in the world!!! She offers free makeovers for people writing blogs as therapy for chronic illness or bereavement etc etc - she made my blog unique and I think it looks amazing!!! I cannot thank her enough and think she truely is remarkable!!! Thank you so much louise!!!

Speak soon everyone take care Lotsa lv

New Blog Layout!!!

Hi All,

As you will see my blog has had a makeover and looks different... I think it looks great and I couldnt have imagined it any different. I love it!!! Thank you so much louise you are a real star - I love it!!!!

If anyone else wants or is intersted in a blog makeover then there is a link to louise's blog 'write from the heart' on my blog!! She really is fab!!!

I had a marathon sleep yesterday, oops!!! Slept most of the day - not sure why, think maybe the activity of the week caught up with me!!! I woke up late today aswell!!! Once up and sorted (about an hour ago) I checked my post. I have a date for my pre operation assessment and my operation!! Its really soon - 22nd - 23rd June!!! Eeeek!!

I will keep you all posted and hope your all well!! Take care and speak soon

Lotsa Lv Xxxx

Appointments and Fun Times...

Hi All,

Hope everyone is doing OK. I Travelled back home on Monday following a visit home at my parents. The Friday evening started as a wonderful night but finished on a rather bad note (see previous post) I was all ready to pack up and come back home early but after a little sob with my mum I stayed. The christening was lovely - the weather was beautiful. The service itself was horrendously long for me and my 6 year old God daughter looked bored silly bless her!!! The party was at my aunts house and thankfully there was a gazeebo in the garden providing shelter from the scorching sun. My brother sang songs on his sound equipment - he is a fab singer and I did my DJ bit inbetween his sets - though he was lots better at singing than I was at DJ'ing lol!!!

The journey home was horrendous - really hot in that coach!! It was smelly and stuffy, then they stuck the air conditioning on and we froze lol!!! We complain about the heat then we complain about the cold hey???

On Tuesday my friend came to stay and we went to my chest clinic appointment. All stays the same see consultant again in a few months or earlier if I get poorly before then... We had a fabulous evening and played monopoly (the lancashire edition of course) lol!!! Im sure Gem cheated but hey ho I won in the end lol!!!! On wednesday another friend came over in the afternoon. In the morning though, Gem and I had to again go to the hospital for another one of my appointments, This time it was an ENT follow up - about my poorly nose and its perforated septum!!!

The appointment started with the consultant saying are you ok??? Yes I replied and he then asked me again!!! Apparently I looked pale - I am always pale I replied!!! He then said I looked almost green and proceeded to examine my eyes! 'You need a FBC doing' he said!!! I think your anaemic again! He then proceeded to inform me that the next stage is an operation to place a button into the septal perforation to repair it less invasively. OK i thought - then asked if it was a local anaesthetic - 'Oh no' he said 'Its a general but given your history it is a risky procedure' He informed me of the risks and then asked me to sign a consent form.... OK!!! So I am now waiting for a date to go into surgery. It is supposed to be a day case thing but neither he nor I feel it will be that straight forwards. I will get a follow up once I am settled on the ward I was told!!!

Anyways after that I had a lovely day with my mates - we went for lunch then had a real good giggle all afternoon!! It was a fab day! They left at tea time on their journeys back home - it was great seeing them both!!!

Today has been rather interesting as I had a social worker come round to perform an assessment. It all went very well and it was agreed they would provide me with an hour and a half care help every morning and 3 extra hours for general help, cleaning and cooking etc etc!!!

I trust everyone else is OK. Hopefully catch up with you all soon!! Watch out for my blog changing soon too as I have had a makeover and it should be up and running soon. Thankyou soooooo much for doing it louise! Your a star!!! I cant wait to see the finished design!!

Take care everyone and speak soon.

Lotsa Lv Rattles Xxxx

First night out in ages!!!

Hi All,

Why is it that when you go out for a drink or two for the first time in a long time (and I really mean a long time) you get grief from the ones you love the most!! (my brother and his fiance - who i love to bits) think I am making up struggling to make them feel like bad parents - this isn't the case at all!!!! I genuinely felt poorly - felt I had had plenty to drink and wanted to go home - instead of us all going together as was the plan I left by myself!!! they now continue to make me feel bad about this- noone ever understands what it is like to live with brittle asthma - not even your closest relatives - I dont know why but I feel more alone surrounded by my family than I do by myself!? why is that???

Im not sure but they made me feel rubbish this evening and I think it will take me a long time to get over this!!

sorry for the rant but this weekend was supposed to be me trying to forget the last few months - its just made it more apparent that i cant be normal and that really really upsets me!!!

hope everyone else is doing ok!!
lotsa lv Rattles Xxxxxx

Dental nightmare!

Hi All,

Hope everyone is well! Its been a little crazy here over the bank holiday weekend. On Thursday i had an appointment at the dental hospital for a pre-treatment assessment. I was the first on the list in the morning so almost as soon as i got there i was called into see richard my dentist. He was lovely! He asked me to write all my medications down as there were so many :-) i wrote them all down for him and then he wanted to examine my teeth. All in all there in fairly good shape except the two we already knew about! I had some treatment in my home town but because i am allergic to latex the dentist didnt wear gloves and i think this has led to reoccuring abcess's in two of my teeth-my crown at the front and one of my molars at the back-at least this is the general feeling! He poked the sore tooth at the back and i nearly hit the roof. His conclusion was i needed to be referred onto a more senior dentist at the hospital, due to me needing to be first on the list and preferably first thing on a monday morning too so that any allegens are at their lowest, i also need steroid cover when i have any treatment done which requires venous access which is something that i have struggled with the last few admissions! All in all i was told it would take a few weeks to sort it all out!

I got home from my appointment and baked a cake for my neighbour (sorry no pictures yet-couldnt work that bit of technology out!:-)) i also made some alcoholic truffles for her and then took everything round at about 6pm!!

By about midnight my tooth was starting to hurt a little bit so i took some paracetamol before i went to sleep. On Friday morning when i woke up my tooth was agony and my face was swollen all on the side my sore tooth was on-all the tell tail signs of an abcess - again! I popped to my local dentist to get a script for some antibiotics-they wouldnt do it and said id need to see someone and they couldnt fit me in! I tried the doctors surgery no joy there either so i called the dental hospital-got an appointment for tuesday (today)!

I do have a course of antibiotics at home that are to start if i get poorly whilst im waiting for a doctors appointment. I started these hoping that the abcess would be sensitive to them. I had a rather rough weekend and couldnt eat anything as my tooth was so painful. I spent most of the weekend dosed up on painkillers! On bank holiday monday it was feeling a bit better but was still very sore. I went to the dentist today. I dont know what i expected him to do really given the discussion we had on thursday but i guess i just wanted him to dress the filling do something to stop it hurting! This didnt happen he didnt even look at my tooth. He just said i was a complex case and it wasnt as straight forwards as normal. He did give me some more antibiotics to take for another 5 days- i really really hope they work as im not sure i could cope with this toothache for too much longer-its quite draining!

I had a few drinks with my neighbour and her friend outside our houses this evening-we were waiting for the ice cream man for the kid's :-) its always good having a catch up with people!!

Anyways i just thought id keep you posted on whats happening! Tribunal wise i havent had any news yet so its still in the tribunal's hands-it apparently can take upto 28 days to make a decision! I'll let you all know when i hear anything! :-)

Hope everyone else is well and getting on ok! Im going to have an early night i think it was an early start today! :-)

Speak soon.
Lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

New laptop!!!

Hi All,

I bought a new laptop and dongle deal on Thursday. Tried stting it up on Friday without too much success... I was struck down by an evil dental abscess on thursday evening so I am only now approaching the other side, its still very painful but I have a dentist appointment on tuesday to get it sorted!!

I thought i would log onto my new computer and have a little play for a while!! I am rather pleased with it at the moment -haven't a clue how it works i just know it does all work lol!!!

Anyway, i will post more early in the week once i have got to grips with all this technology!! ;-)

Speak soon, lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

The wonderfully confusing world of technology!

Hi All,

I hope everyone is well. Im still very tired after my last admission and my chest is still very painful but i am lots better than i was so i cant complain too much!

The last few days have been rather stressful-sorting stuff out for my solicitor and being up against some tight deadlines and also not feeling too great in my self! On saturday i had to go to the library with the intention of printing off a document and signing it before faxing it across to the solicitor! This would have been my authorisation for her to proceed with sending off all the information to the tribunal! I got to the library and they were having problems with the computers so had no computer access for the day! That was hurdle one! I had to sort out with my solicitor to send a detailed email to her stating clearly i agreed with everything she had put in the forms and wanted her to proceed without the relevent signed stuff from me. I got home and my computer was not working very well constantly crashing on me! This was hurdle two! Thankfully my mobile works fairly well with the internet so i managed to send emails etc through my mobile to her-ive been using my mobile to blog and alsorts recently it really is an amazing phone! :-)

So saturday, id emailed the solicitor and promised i would fax stuff to her and post stuff to her at the beginning of the week.

I watched eurovision on saturday (i really am that sad-sorry people! :-)) we came 5th which was totally amazing-the best we have done in about a decade i think! So well done UK! :-)

Sunday i wasnt feeling brilliant i had a raging temperature and my chest was really sore-think maybe i did too much in the first few days i was out of hospital maybe! I couldnt sleep either as the pain in my chest was so bad it was difficult to breath etc. The pain continued to affect me on monday and by the evening on monday i was rather teary and very tired!

The last few days have been a little up and down really i havent actually managed to sort any paperwork out (hard copy wise) for my solicitor as i just havent felt well enough. I am however thankfully feeling a lot lot better today and have actually ventured out of my house for an appointment! I am just waiting in the waiting room now as i arrived really really early :-) after this i am going to head to tesco and get some bits and pieces before going home and settling down for the night with the cat-who is thankfully much better now! :-)

Im going to bake a cake for my neighbour tomorrow as she had her birthday on monday-it sounded like a horendous day-it was her aunts funeral and she had a really hard day. I told her i would make her a chocolate cake and some alcoholic truffles for her birthday and that we would celebrate it on thursday - so we'll be having a little celebration for her tomorrow! :-)

Anyways im going to have to go as i'll be called in for my appointment very soon so best make sure im not typing away on the mobile :-)

Hope everyone else is doing ok and will post again soon.

Lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

Mad deadlines and inconvenient illnesses.

Hi All
Again im really sorry ive not posted for a while-again! I last posted after the appeal hearing decision was unsuccessful. I contacted the disability rights commission who referred me across to a legal aid solicitor who chatted to me over the phone for a while before stating she'd take on the case. I was delighted. It was last wednesday!

Last thursday i spent all day at remploy faxing paperwork across to her and had arranged to fax more stuff across on friday. Unfortunatly, i think i may have over excerted myself doing paperwork for the solicitor aswell as the decorating binge as my chest was tight and wheezy all evening! I called the on call doctor and went down for a consultation. Id had a lot of nebs already so they admitted me to the MAU i got to A+E and a nurse checked my sats which were rather low. I was wheeled to MAU by the nurse who usually sees me in resus and as she handed over to staff she told them i have a tendency to get very poorly very quickly!! The doctor came to see me, and told me i was gonna have iv steroids magnesium and aminophyline (once they'd got my level back!) she tried to canulate me 9 times-no success. The mad attempts began at 10pm on thurs evening! At 2am the registrar was called to try after another 2 docs had failed to get anywhere! He came in and saw that i was getting really worn out so called the anaethetist whilst he was trying to canulate me. He got two ultra sound machine thingymebobs to try and see where my veins were! One doc was on one arm another on another with the ultrasound scanner thingys and i had another two doctors with a needle in hand to attempt to get some venous access. At 4am i still had no access and the anaethetist wanted me transferred to hdu for a femoral line or central line putting in as they were not allowed to do this on the MAU! I just wanted to feel better as i was really tired. Finally the reg decided to try one more time in a tiny vein on the side of my arm with a paediatric needle. They had success finally. Steroids in. Magnesium in and bloods taken for urgent aminophyline level. I was on high flow oxygen with nebs through it and saturating at only 78-82%. By this time it was 5am. The anaethetist had got a bed for me but we were literally just waiting for the bed to become available. I was being prodded by the nurse as i was loosing consciousness every so often! The doctors and anaethetist, nurse and two support workers all accompanied me to the hdu - it was all a wee bit intense!! Got there but was totally incapable of anything-and they needed to lift me onto the bed etc and get me into a gown. They struggled for ages trying to get some better access and an arterial line in place and set me up on bipap!

The mask drove me crazy!! It was so tight and uncomfortable! Everytime i wanted a break from it they let me for all of about 5 minutes before restarting it when my sats plummetted again! I did manage an hour or so at one point-which coincided with a very unexpected and really appreciated visit from a very dear friend! It was so lovely and such a surprise! I got a balloon (non latex of course :-)) and also some lovely prezzies including a tatty ted keyring cup and teddy and a beautiful picture frame! :-)

Gemma is an absolute star and i dont know what id've done without a small bit of company so it was great it was a shame our first ever meeting was at my local hospital!! I missed our chats when i was in the hospital though as it was rather unexpected so i didnt have my charger for my phone so i was batteryless!!

After 5 days on hdu most of it on bipap or cpap i was taken to the respiratory ward. I was ok just tired and wheezy when i got down there! I gradually felt a bit worse over the evening and found myself back on icu/hdu watch over night with the nurse doing half hourly observations on me and prodding me to take a few deep breaths of high flow oxygen to try and get my sats up-i just felt tired and yucky. I was given more steroids and the aminophyline was turned up a wee bit. It did settle with that plus a lot of extra nebulisers! I slept most of wednesday feeling rather sorry for myself and hoping i could get myself out by the next day-i needed to send the bits and bobs to my solicitor or i would miss my deadline for my tribunal case!

I had a really rough night and did manage to stop the oxygen but my sats were not great and i didnt feel too great either but i did the whole im fine please just let me go spiel for the doc. Thankfully he let me go on the provision id phone the ward if i was poorly again and return within 48 hours if i wasnt right-i told him i would just be very stressed out by not getting the tribunal stuff sorted if i didnt get out on time. :-(

On thursday i rushed to remploy in the afternoon to get things all sent off and finalised. All done!! :-)

Soooo, today! Today my cat HAD and i really mean had to go to the vets. He had been injured whilst i was in hospital. It seriously looked like he had been shot with a pellet gun!! The vet saw him and gave him some antibiotics and some painkillers! He is ok just not himself at all, and very quiet! He has been sleeping all day as he clearly still isnt very well!!

I hope everyone is ok and staying well. Im off to play nursemaid to my poorly kitty now and catch some zzzz's as im still really hospital jetlagged got to go to library to do final few bits for solicitor tomorrow as its d-day so will post again soon and keep everyone posted!!

Speak soon everyone
Lotsa lv Rattles Xxxx

appeal hearing

Hi all,

Sorry i've not posted for a while i was rather preoccupied with my appeal hearing! It was the 23rd of april! I was told before the meeting itself that my trade union representative was not going to take things any further once that meeting was over! So i felt as though it was last chance saloon before i even started.

The room was layed out like a court room! A panel of four were up front-with two little desks in front one for the management side and one for me and my trade union rep! We got to say our bit first. I started and rambled the first bit as i was so nervous. As p spoke i realised id missed out loads so filled in a few blanks. We called our witness and dropped a bombshell on the panel and management side! Then we had a short break. The management then put their case forward-the three of them! The panel asked questions we asked questions and cross examined them. Then we had another break to get our summing up speach ready! The management spoke first to give my union rep and i the last word.

P felt it had gone well and felt it could go in my favor! Unfortunatly i didnt feel as optimisic as i had dealt with the trust many times before and management always side with management!

I was told it would be 7 days till i got my result!!

So the wait began!

I then had a day of appointments and things before starting some decorating over the weekend! The decorating didnt go very well and ended up with me sacking my cleaner/decorator after she spoke to me in a very harsh way and actually scared me in my own home and stole from me-it was returned but that was all a bit too late the trust had gone!

On tuesday i had to see my doc as i had really hurt my back over the weekend decorating. Turns out i have siatica-its very very painful even now- still!!

Ive had a fairly lazy few days resting and sorting some paperwork out the last few days and received the trusts decision on thursday. Unfortunatly it didnt go in my favor so the next step is to persue a tribunal with the disability rights commission. Got lots to sort out over the next two weeks or so!!

I went out to my friends house for tea on thursday and had a lovely evening so that made up for the bad news id had in the morning!

I slept all day friday as my back had been very sore and i think the strong painkillers had finally kicked in but knocked me out in the process! :-)

Im going to spend the bank holiday cleaning and tidying i think as im currently applying for direct payments for help paying for a carer. This should help a lot but im currently too ashamed to let anyone into my house its so messy it desperatly needs a bit of a tidy up so that its slightly more presentable to the folks coming round to assess me and my needs.

Anyways i will post again soon hope everyone is well. Take care all.
Lotsa lv
Rattles Xxxx

Missing friends!

Hi All,

Saturday was a weird day for several reasons, firstly, It was the memorial service for a friend who died a few months ago. The memorial was a long way away from where I live and I havent been well for a week or so, so couldnt make it which was upsetting. I miss Emma's e-mails via AUK and her advise, her lust for life and her enthusiasm and I miss reading her blog with the trade mark - 'toodlepip' as a sign off each time! It was sad I couldnt go to her thanksgiving service.

So I lit my candle and quietly remembered Emma from my house on saturday at 2pm (the same time as the service started).

Saturday was also weird in that i had been reletively OK all week but all of a sudden in the small hours started to feel really nauseous and shaky etc. Turns out I had aminophylline toxicity!! (not at all pleasnt and definatly not an experience I care to repeat!)

I did feel rather unwell all of saturday and most of sunday but by late evening on sunday was much, much better!!

Yesterday was fairly busy, I went to my GP and she went through what had happened over the weekend etc and gave me some different antibiotics for my infection as the ones I had been put on previously caused the toxicity!!! We chatted about how things were going and I got a bit upset about things (again), I'm really frustrated at the moment with not being able to do things I used to take for granted, that and my appeal hearing at work this thursday and various other things stressing me out just made me really weepy!! I then came home to my friend who was doing some cleaning for me in preperation to do some painting in my house on saturday!! My house is the house that jack built! Everything that can go wrong invariably always does go wrong and so after several DIY disasters a few years ago - nothing has been done in the house! My room needs doing as it is the same as when I moved in almost 5 years ago and I hated it then!!! Sooooo, the time has come! It is getting sorted! As the room was cleaned and hoovered etc, the TV digital box was moved and I lost all my TV channels.... This ended with a trip to the local Tesco for a new TV/freeview combo, which as my aerial snapped in the high winds last year still didnt work so today I have had the aerial blokes round to put up a brand new digital ready aerial!! (expensive!!!)

I have also today had the varification officer from council tax benefit round to check some paperwork so that they may finally reduce my payments for council tax as at the moment most of my benefit is going on paying for these bills!!

Finally now the rest of the day is my own, Im shattered so I am going to curl up in front of my new TV and watch some TV that actually has a fab signal!! :-)

Hope you are all well. Talk soon peeps!
Lotsa Lv
Rattles Xxxx