Life, its challenges, and the future.

Many of my close friends all have their own blogs, and, to be honest I never really wanted to create one. I suppose I never really felt I needed too, though Im sure deep down at times I could have probably benefitted from typing into an abyss!!

Last year was a very difficult year, emotionally, physically and mentally. It started badly, with the tragic loss of my dear grandma with whom I was very close to. I adored her. I still miss her terribly and as i write have tears starting to prick in my eyes! This was back in february 2008, its still no easier as in a way I havent really had chance to process it all. Shortly after my grandma's death i became very unwell. My asthma took a nasty turn and as follows the normal pattern for me I was rushed into my local hospital. I was in hospital till just before my birthday - a grand total of five and a half months! During which time most of my veins had been destroyed by the constant assault from doctors anxious to get venous access for the drugs i needed to have. I had several infections including three different pneumonia infections, two septecaemia infections and several niggling infections which themselves just irritated me under the surafce - always there but never the main problem!

I had a glorious week at home where I felt everything was starting to get a little better and I was starting to think about trying to get myself back into work and the job I love to do! Almost out of the blue one night I woke struggling for my breath again, i knew the routine and the ambulance again took me to my local hospital! after several days on ICU and HDU I was again back on the usual ward of my local hospital. The staff were brilliant, always smiling and encouraging. I did tend to reject any offers of psychological support as I felt I would be labelled as being 'mad', something which i am not, just, the longer I fought on the harder it became to accept that half a year had passed and I was still an in-patient (allbeit a very inpatient patient by this time!!) finally again I was released with great support in my community!

I managed just over a week, 10 days at home, and again I was recaptured and taken to my local hospital this time with a double pneumonia and septecaemia. The infection this time was so severe that it left me with raised intra cranial pressure. I had such severe headaches that even morphine was only working for minutes at a time. i was put on an antibacterial treatment regimen of strong IV antibiotics for a month but also required IV antifungals as - due to the steroids I use to control my asthma, my immune system was so sluggish I had managed to pick up a yeast infection in my blood stream. It was at this point I reached out for support. I felt so alone, like nobody knew what it was like. I turned to Asthma UK which is a wonderful place, I go there to chat to other people who are just like me, desparatly trying to be normal in abnormal situations. I have a number of friends from there now and sadly yesturday I found out one of my friends has recently passed away. She was so strong, such a fighter it gave me the encouragement I needed in the tough times. I will miss my friend a lot, her passing made me think how vulnerable every life is and how sometimes I can be very complacent with how bad I am actually feeling shugging it off as a bad day, then a bad week, then before I know it I am again fighting for my life in hospital. My friend has made me realise that I have to firstly take it seriously all the time, not just when it suits and secondly, to live my life as full and as actively as possible. My goal now is to get fit enough for work hopefully in the next few months. I am then only working for a maximum of 3 days a week. I want to try and boost my fitness too.

My aim is that in 2010 i will hopefully be fit enough to have a go at walking kilamanjaro if there is another trip then through Asthma UK. There is one this August but I really feel that this is not an acheivable target for me just given what my body has been through in the last 12 months. I am currently struggling to walk down my stairs without getting too breathless so even aiming for 2010 is a hard task.

My main reason for writing my blog, is to write my thoughts and feelings down, put it out there so that anyone else stuggling with any chronic illness will know that they are not alone. I also want to be able to see my progress and hope that in a years time I am a bit closer to what was always a dream for me - walking kilamanjaro... since doing my Duke of Edinburgh awards many years ago I always felt that that was my ultimate goal and all the struggles and hardships on the way will be so much more worthwhile when I stand on top on that mountain looking down at the beauty of this wonderful planet. I want to use every experience and every hurdle to make me appreciate life and live it to the fullest of my ability so that in the words of my friend i too will have 'no regrets!'

I bid you all a good day,

rattles